Should You Tell People at Work About Your Illness?

Keren, a pseudonym, was a newly married young woman in her early twenties. She sat opposite me and smiled. Whatever we discussed, she smiled. Until I asked whether she could ask her manager to leave earlier or arrive later for tests, the tests she should have had long ago but had not found time for. At that moment, a cloud seemed to cross her face. Her smile vanished, replaced by a furrow between her eyebrows.

"Absolutely not!" she almost shouted. "They do not know at work that I have colitis! If they find out, they will fire me immediately!"

As though a shell had fallen away, the floodgates opened. Keren explained at length that she was unwilling to reveal her colitis to anyone she considered a "stranger." That category included all her colleagues and managers, most friends, her husband's family, and her own extended family.

When I asked, "What stops you from sharing your illness with the people around you?" her answer was one word: "Shame!!!"

That is what this post is about: shame about illness.

Remember the late Ofra Haza? That unique singer, the jewel in the crown of Israeli music, died in the prime of her life from shame. She had AIDS.

Keren has colitis. She experiences severe abdominal pain and frequent diarrhea. She is treated with medication. ("Treated" is a strong word. Keren takes her medication when she remembers and manages to reach the pharmacy to buy it…) And she hides her illness from her employer.

When I asked what she gains and loses by concealing it, she found these answers:

Gains: no one knows about her illness. This protects her from prejudice and intrusion into her life. In her view, it also protects her job.

Losses: she is busy hiding her trips to the bathroom and special dietary needs. She misses tests and treatments and does not eat the food that suits her. Her health deteriorates, she takes more sick days than her colleagues, and she begins to fear she will not be able to keep her job.

We have come full circle: Keren will lose her job not because her employer fires her, but because her health deteriorates so much that she cannot work there! Keren left our meeting deep in thought and committed to examining her views about people with illnesses.

There is another approach, in contrast to Keren's. To me, it is represented by Sigal, moderator of the Crohn's and colitis forum on the Israeli news website YNET. When Sigal looked for a new job, she made sure to tell every potential employer that she had Crohn's disease. In her view, whether she got the job depended on her professional skills, not her illness. Sigal works and gives her full output when she can. When she needs to leave early for tests or treatment, no one argues. Everyone knows she does it not because she "feels like it," but to maintain the health that allows her to work and contribute!

There are two approaches here, and everyone can choose where to stand on that spectrum.

In my view, if you have not stolen or committed a crime, what exactly is there to defend? You have an illness; other people have other problems and illnesses. Your illness requires you to respect your body's needs, and that takes nothing away from you. True, Crohn's disease or colitis is not particularly "sexy" (what illness is?). That may not help when talking to your boss. But let us examine it for a moment -

When people around you know about your illness, what does that make possible? Perhaps the conditions essential for you to function properly: occasional sick days or time for tests when needed. Notice how much energy becomes available when you no longer need to hide or make excuses! No need to invent stories, feel ashamed, or wonder what people will say. Life becomes simpler. No one suspects your excuses, no one can catch you in a lie, and everyone treats you with the respect you deserve.

And perhaps sharing itself creates mutual respect?

You can choose what you want. You can tell people, or you can choose not to.

The main thing is that concealing the illness does not become a "boomerang." As long as it serves you, that is fine.

But if we invest a lot of energy in hiding, fearing, feeling ashamed, or feeling guilty when we arrive late or miss work, our fears may create exactly the reality we are trying to avoid!

How should you tell people?

Arrange a conversation with your boss, manager, or whoever you have decided to tell. Do not do it in passing in the hallway when they have no time for you. Make sure they are listening and are satisfied with your professional work. Then take a breath, perhaps explain that this is difficult for you to discuss, which is human and something people connect with, and tell them. You may even be surprised to discover that your boss has a health problem they have not shared, or that a family member or friend has a similar condition. Suddenly, the terrible news becomes another aspect of you, certainly not the only thing that defines you. Many people work and live with one health problem or another, and that is all right. It is part of life today.

This is general news information and is not a substitute for personal advice from a doctor or dietitian.